The First Robin Hood and Prince John Debate: Live from Sherwood Forest!
A Humor Piece by Scott Fivelson
HERALD: Hear ye, hear ye… good people of Nottingham. Each candidate will be given three minutes to stateth his views. The first candidate to speak will be Prince John
Prince John addresses the crowd with his charming trademark blend of high-born niceties and barely concealed contempt, all delivered with a flourish.
His opponent Robin Hood looks on, at times not at all pleased with the tripe he has to listen to. Nevertheless, the dark horse candidate maintains a heroic stance, legs planted firmly apart, arms akimbo.
PRINCE JOHN: Noblemen and noble women… Lords and ladies… Peasants and serfs…
You all know me. I am Prince John. Acting king these many seasons in my brother’s absence. And to demonstrate my faith in the sensible nature of the good people of Nottingham, I stand here today partaking in this highly unusual debate. I didn’t ask for it. I could have asked for Robin Hood’s head.
I still might.
Smiles at his opponent. Amused titters from the crowd.
Who here will dare say that I haven’t kept my promise to improve our local infrastructure, building new catapults and moats and drawbridges, revitalizing our hills and dales?
And when my opponent, Robin of Locksley, decries the higher taxes that it is my great pleasure to levy, let me remind him that it is also my pledge to finally properly address the growing homeless problem… right here in Sherwood Forest.
Resounding applause.
While it is true that my opponent does possess certain qualifications – he speaks treason, fluently – what does he know of running a kingdom?
Just ask yourselves – those of you who still have tongues – aren’t you better off today than before my brother Richard ran off to the Crusades?
I stand here today to reaffirm the covenant that I made with you the day I seized power and took over the realm: I, Prince John, will listen to every grievance. And whenever a grievance is found to be… grievous… I will issue a proclamation!
More applause.
Match that, Locksley!
Raising the hem of his flowing princely gown, Prince John steps daintily off the tree stump, making way for the rival candidate. Robin leaps up onto the stump, with athleticism to spare.
ROBIN HOOD: Merry Men and Merry Women and all those Merry Folk who identify as neither… Good people of the greenwood…
The platform I’ve been running on is well-known to you all – to steal from the rich to give to the poor!
Prince John sneers audibly from the grassy sidelines.
PRINCE JOHN: Empty words…
ROBIN HOOD: Now, it’s truth that I am of noble birth.
PRINCE JOHN: You see – he’s as bad as I am!
As the surfs and peasants are growing impatient with Prince John’s interruptions, the Sheriff of Nottingham advances on a prancing steed and declares–
SHERIFF: The candidates will please adhere to the rules set-eth forth for this debate.
And winks.
Prince John smiles with the utmost air of noblesse oblige.
PRINCE JOHN: But of course.
Robin plants legs firmly again, arms akimbo.
ROBIN HOOD: It is not for naught that I am already the subject of so many ballads and legends!
PRINCE JOHN: Lord, spare me…
ROBIN HOOD: So come November – when every Briton or Saxon steps into a hollowed-out tree to cast their ballot – ask yourself one question: “Who Split the Arrow?”
PRINCE JOHN: This slogan of yours – “Who Split the Arrow?” I’ve never been one for the quick fix… But I’ll go you one better, tall tinker – who killed the king’s deer? What say you now, Locksley? Go ahead – try and deny it.
A discernible grumbling among the crowd prompts an immediate change in Robin Hood’s demeanor. One might say it’s a whole new Robin.
ROBIN HOOD: Yes, there have been allegations that I killed one of the king’s deer, in a scandal that your Highness was quick to name Venison-gate. It’s time to put these rumors to rest. I lied when I took responsibility for the killing of the deer, out of a well-intentioned, if misguided attempt to protect one of my constituents. The deer was actually slaughtered by Much the Miller’s son… Sorry, Much.
SHERIFF: And your time is up. Thank you, citizens of Sherwood for attending today’s debate. I have just learned that, in place of the next debate, Robin Hood has challenged Prince John to a contest with staffs over the river.
Day and time to be announced. Circa 1200 A.D.
© 2024 Scott Fivelson All Rights Reserved
About Scott Fivelson: Scott Fivelson is an award-winning screenwriter, fiction writer, songwriter, and director. His credits include a satire of the multi-generational family saga – the comedy novel, Tuxes – and the one-act mysteries, Dial L for Latch-Key and Leading the Witness. He was co-writer/producer of a popular dramedy about the music biz, American Reel, starring the legendary David Carradine, Michael Maloney, and Mariel Hemingway. Fivelson wrote and directed his latest film, Near Myth: The Oskar Knight Story, starring Lenny Von Dohlen as legendary director, Oskar Knight.
Posted by Richard Webster, Ace News Today
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